Letters to Myself: Entry Seventy-One
Prompt: What have I not written, made, or tried because I talked myself out of it first?
“And by the way, everything in life is writable about if you have the outgoing guts to do it, and the imagination to improvise. The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt.”
A reflection based on my own self-doubt. How my writings have become a mantra for me and how, eventually, with the bigger writings I am working on, I will have to release out those works out there for the sake of my legacy and life once I am gone. Lean into showing off the beautiful art you are creating.
This hits home with me because I am doing something precisely that I asked myself each time I come to write these reflections and send them out into the world: will people like my works? Will people judge me for the writings I want to show the world? Am I being too hard on myself for my write-ups? These are questions I am constantly asking and wanting to make sure I produce the best quality work for the people who want to read my reflections; who would like to read my works in time. And that is the endeavor I started this year was writing some of my very first projects; book or any kind of writings to be honest. It has been a transformative year in the sense of writing and reading itself when it comes to my self-doubt.
Most of the time I see myself as a decently intelligent person, but I am by far no means the smartest person in the room in most situations. With this attitude it allows me to dig in deeper and really get to the things I want to do; reading and writing. That has become one of the important elements in my life, especially writing. These writings from where I started to where I am now when it comes to producing the best version possible, I think I am achieving that over the course of time. I have noticed with my practices of reading, making sure I am soaking in the material that the author is giving me and challenging the write-ups as well; these should be moments where you are advancing your mindset and education; which then in turns helps your writing. If you are not reading, you are not going to become an efficient writer; that is the simple truth of it unfortunately.
What I love about Plath’s quote is that it is true, the self-doubt is the one thing that drives you to not want to do the thing; because it is hard, it is difficult work to try and document life as it is moving forward every second; it is hard to put together the words to describe what you are seeing and feeling; it is hard to come up with the words to describe settings and places all over the world; it is also especially hard to tell effective stories for readers to take home with them. That is the one thing I am finding myself in at the moment is that I am recognizing that I want to produce the works that I want to read and not anyone else. This is not meant to humble me, but it is a way to make sure I keep my ego in check. Chasing the fame and money for an art form is not the best route to take; instead, take the route of hard work; take the route of more resistance and allow your body and mind to adapt and get better in this setting; take the route that forces you to do things out of your comfort zone, like writing.
I have so much self-doubt when it comes to my words that I find it hard sometimes to recognize maybe I am writing something decent; however, since I am so hard on myself and want to produce something decent for a reader, I find myself going over these write-ups more often than not, making sure there are not too many errors and ready to be sent out. And then one of the things I want to get better at is revisiting earlier entries. Seeing these write-ups see the progression in how these write-ups have become for myself; it is a timelapse watching my vocabulary spike over the course of some years.
But being scared of public opinion is something an artist has to face; in order to achieve the level of decency for yourself, you have to show your work. And I know in time, with some of the writing projects I am working on, I will have to display this outward and let the world see what I have been writing for a while. I have been deep in John Stuart Mill’s On Liberty, and after finishing I see why opinions can be difficult to swallow when you are sending your works out there in the world; however, he makes a statement here on human nature and how we are natural beings just growing like a tree: “Human nature is not a machine to be built after a model, and set to do exactly the work prescribed for it, but a tree, which requires to grow and develop itself on all sides, according to the tendency of the inward forces which make it a living thing.”
In order to grow, we must get over the self-doubt. A tree does not have self-doubt, it continues to grow higher and higher; self-doubt will only kill the spirit inside of you to continue the journey you are on. It is far more important to continue to practice and show the work you are doing for the population to see. Our lives are so short, and yet filled with so much drama and self-doubt to begin with, we should be rejecting those aspects as it seems to be part of the culture. Going against the grain will show you the path of more resistance, but the payoff is remarkable. You become your own being, with your own voice, your own words, and your conscious streamline of thoughts that will carry you through the magnificent life that is now. Don’t be so hard on yourself, show off the thing you have always wanted to show off; whatever that might be. Don’t be afraid, because there will always be doubters and haters, but there will always be supporters too.
Main Thought: Self-doubt is a sad mindset that most artists struggle with; however, there in order to grow you have to continue to show off the work that you are working on. To give voice inside of you the stage it so dearly deserves.
This post is part of my "Letters to Myself" series — a weekly free-write blog where I explore personal growth, curiosity, and healing through simple prompts. Sometimes reflective, sometimes fun, but always real. Thank you for being here.
References:
Photo by Kyle Gare
Plath, Sylvia. "And by the way, everything in life is writable about..." — from The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath
Mill, John Stuart. On Liberty. 1859.
