Letters to Myself: Entry Sixty-Six
Prompt: Who do I still carry with me in ways that make them feel present, even though they're gone?
“Unable are the loved to die. For love is immortality.”
A reflection on grief; how it is a powerful experience we all go through and there is no right answer to it. But it does make us look inward and feel the presences of those who came before us that we truly cared about.
There are so many people in my life that have unfortunately passed on. Part of me likes to reflect about these people, to make sure I am not forgetting those who are gone and will continue to leave us. Death is natural and part of the process of being human; even though it is a morbid subject to talk about, I still believe it is necessary to allow yourself to reflect and connect with those people again who are not part of your lives anymore. Part of what makes grieving so difficult, but also in a very unique way, is how to be gracious during times of grief; meaning that I believe that you are allowing yourself to have grace while you grieve. That time is always going to be present, and it’s good to reflect on those people who are not here anymore, instead of rejecting it or avoiding like we do in this culture.
Remembering is what love can be for those who are grieving over a lost someone in their lives; I think about my grandmother for instance. She was the one person who I wish to this day was still here so I could have an adult conversation with her; however, she passed when I was very young, something that I have to grapple with on a day-to-day. That is something I never really had a chance to have with that person and I believe reflecting and even envisioning what could have been with this person is still a healthy aspect of life, to welcome in your mind and one’s philosophy of living. And I am not saying that it’s going to be a fun time remembering or envisioning that, but after a while, when the time has passed on and you have some reflection to do, you allow yourself to come to terms that they are gone.
That is one the beautiful sentiments in The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion. She talks about how she lost her husband of 40 years, who died in an instant at their dining room table, and just like that, he was gone. Her book talks about the year following his death and how she remembered him during that time; her memories of the hospital visits and the funeral; everything that goes into losing someone you care about. Grief is a powerful hold that does take over your emotions and psyche; which is why people should not avoid it because the feelings of those who you have lost will bubble up just like any other emotion.
Grief is associated with love after a loss of something that you cherished. It really takes control over those memories you have with those people; maybe it is an object, a place and time, whatever it might be, it is a death of love for it or them. While still carrying on the next parts and chapters of your life knowing they served a brief moment in your journey. That is a unique perspective to think about, it makes you appreciate the people you have right now; to make sure you really cherish the days you have on this earth with the people who are growing and getting better each day.
After learning more about the subject through the eyes of Didion, it made me realize to take hold of that love after loss even more seriously. To make sure it shows up for the people who are currently around for me. I would give anything to go back to a time in my life where I messed up and to tell that younger version to keep trying and grow more confidence. But that is sometimes the thing with time; it plays with us as we age. All of our minds are changing; society is changing rapidly; some of it good; some of it not so good. But ultimately, make sure to remember that death amongst your loved ones does come as well; tempus fugit, time flies.
I think about that and make sure each time I see the people I truly care about, I treat it like it could be the last time. That it, potentially, could be the last time; but when it comes up again and I see them again, I appreciate the moment and day for that. That I get to see these people who, I hope, care for me while I do the same in return. And that is also the other thing with grief. We all carry it deeply because of how human and raw it comes through; it really makes us appreciate the days we have above this ground we call the earth. We should be happy every single day we have another chance to learn something; a chance to build a new connection; a chance to reestablish a broken one; a chance to be better than we were before. Because that is what grief is too; it’s reflection; it’s history.
The only thing we know, is that we live forwards, but understand things from the past. When we reflect on the people who we loved and still carry with us, even though they passed on long ago, we still understand them, we still see them; we still hear their voices and feel their presence. We return to these immaculate moments because that is what keeps us going; we remember the good things in life; that is what grief teaches us. That is why when we live, which is right now, we must carry on the torch our ancestors left us to; give them the respect that got us to this moment; show respect but build the new realities for a better and brighter future for all humans. That is why life is beautiful. Through its hardship, the worse of all, death itself, it can’t touch the love that is shared with that exists deep within the soul. Grief allows us to incorporate with that deep rooted love. We must not recoil from this; but remember how strong their presence is to us. To not quit because that is what they would have told us before they passed.
We understand the present and future through the past. But we only live right now. Appreciate the people in your life that you care about. Appreciate the moments; all of which can be bad and good. But appreciate them all because death stalks all of us. And when it comes, it will bring you back to this philosophy of graciousness. It will bring you back to being more alive. Keep momentum going as Didion said in her next book, Blue Nights, talking about the death of her daughter after she had lost her husband no less than 20 months prior. Keep momentum going is the last resort. Because truly, when it is the deep pits of tragedy that hits us, we must continue that momentum at all costs.
Again, appreciate the time now. There will be powerful moments to come. And if it is a lull moment, where it might be boring and or things are going okay, appreciate that too! That should be the time you are absolutely enjoying this life is when that feeling is overcoming you. Appreciate today.
Main thought: Grief is the powerful feeling of love after loss. Remember that it affects all of us in different ways and it will show up eventually; but always remember that it should be treated as a reminder how precious our time is. Don’t waste today because of that reason.
This post is part of my "Letters to Myself" series — a weekly free-write blog where I explore personal growth, curiosity, and healing through simple prompts. Sometimes reflective, sometimes fun, but always real. Thank you for being here.
References:
Photo by Kyle Gare
Didion, Joan. The Year of Magical Thinking. Knopf, 2005.
Didion, Joan. Blue Nights. Knopf, 2011.
Joan Didion’s website: https://www.joandidion.org/
Dickinson, Emily. "Unable are the loved to die." (poem, c. 1864)
